i'm trying to figure out a couple of things, but you know, you can never be sure. there's always a What If? behind every What Is?

anw, miyavi successfully cheered me up. impulse purchase of his Victory Road To King Of Neo Visual Rock is very much worth it. i'm just really encouraged by his track featuring SUGIZO. and also his new song SuperHero.

and i realize that when i'm sad, i tend to like stash myself away in a corner and listen to trance for an hour or two alone. but when i'm sad and i need to move about, i tend to opt for heavier visual kei music. and then that's where all the underground bands start appearing on my list. *laughs*

and talking about visual kei, i don't know if X's Crucify My Love will continue to affect me. *laughs* ah whatever.

@ 6:27 AM

to be honest, i just feel so lost and shattered now, i don't know what to feel or how to act.

sometimes i wish that this is all a nightmare, and when i wake up, things had always been the same between the two of us. sometimes i just get the impression that you hate me?

i'm just so confused. i just want to get out of this rut.

@ 8:56 AM

i know you probably won't read this, but if it's to make me feel better..

Crucify My Love by X-Japan

Crucify my love
If my love is blind
Crucify my love
If it sets me free
Never know Never trust
"That love should see a color"
Crucify my love
If it should be the way

Swing the heartache
Feel it inside out
When the wind cries
I'll say goodbye
Tried to learn Tried to find
To reach out for eternity
Where's the answer
Is this forever

Like a river flowing to the sea
You'll be miles away, and I will know
I know I can deal with the pain
No reason to cry

Crucify my love
If my love is blind
Crucify my love
If it sets me free
Never know Never trust
"That love should see a color"
Crucify my love
If it should be the way

'Til the loneliness shadows the sky
I'll be sailing down and I will know
I know I can clear clouds away
Oh Is it a crime to love

Swing the heartache
Feel it inside out
When the wind cries
I'll say goodbye
Tried to learn Tried to find
To reach out for eternity
Where's the answer
Is this forever

If my love is blind
Crucify my love
If it sets me free
Never know Never trust
"That love should see a color"
Crucify my love
If it should be the way

@ 12:07 AM

alot of stuffs have been happening. some happy, some not so. but hey, i guess that's the way life rocks our boat, right?

let's start off with happier things. yesterday, went out with bestie after school!

we got our ashidy ridwan singles, went to fill up our orchestra-ing tummies and then headed home to wonderful woodlands. as usual, in the mrt, i fell asleep. *laughs* i don't know. i have this mechanism where i can't sit in the mrt for more than 10 minutes without wanting and falling asleep. there's something about the mrt that makes sleeping in it so comfortable. is it the aircon? is it the seat? one thing's for sure, it's definitely not the people in the train.

btw, it feels nice to not do anything school-related at home. now i'm left to wonder what to do during my break first thing tomorrow morning. oh yes, photocopy stuffs. oh wells. and i owe nazril an email.

you know, sometimes i really appreciate having a notebook, because people like me have super selective memory. unless it affects me in a big way, i usually don't bother to remember stuffs. which is a bad habit i probably should stop, i guess.

so today's 18 august. some celebrate their birthday today. some have phototaking today. some decided to quiz the history class on random history "On this day..." trivia. [btw, in case you're interested (which i know defo not), on this day in 1991 was the hardliners' coup against Mikhail Gorbachev of the former Soviet Union.] some crashed others' school today and made them ROFL. some laughed. some cried. some got angry. some got confused. some found love. some lost love. some found their souls. some have their hearts broken. some just can't break it to their hearts.

it was all said and done
can't believe what you did
how can I be the one
is it all just in my head?

trying hard not to breathe
maybe then i'll let you leave
nothing more i could do
all i am is there with you

it was easy to see
she would cherish your love
your touch, your kiss
and all that's in between

i gave you my soul
to have and to hold
so lost, confused

if only he knew
if only he knew

~ adapted from Taufik's If Only She Knew

@ 8:18 AM

i never thought i'd find this song to really matter one day. (yes, i wrote the lyrics out. on a tune i have yet to pen to music note-form). and what's the title? why don't you suggest to me?

Sun-thawed ice melt away
And the ground, let it drown
In the warm kiss
Everything's alive again, no?
All the cold's fade away, no?
From now on, it's just the sun isn't it?

So when the spring rain fell
I never though the water could cut
Until pink and orange scents float past me
I realize I've been hurt
But still I can't bring myself to say

REFF:
Goodbye to you, my spring love
Just like the rain you come and go
Your love bloomed then withered
Let me just pick up the fallen petals
And dry them in the summer heat
So when autumn's shadows come
I don't need winter breeze
To freeze my heart

I stood on the rubbled path
And looked up silently, cherry blossom
Raining down
Everything's alright now, no?
You'll come see me, no?
From today we'll never be apart, won't we?

Even when the last sakura fell
It never felt like it's the end
Until I saw trees lose their smiles
I realize nothing's left
And then my heart starts to whisper

@ 8:04 AM

and if it's alright, i'll still be loving you
cos i can't break it to my heart

@ 9:32 AM